5 Year Old Hitting Parents: Why It Happens and How to Stop It

Key Takeaways

• Hitting is a normal developmental behaviour, especially when children lack better ways to express big emotions like anger, frustration, or fear
• The most effective response combines staying calm, setting a clear limit on the behaviour, teaching better ways to express feelings, and remaining consistent
• Hitting usually stops when children learn they get a calm consequence, not an angry reaction, and have alternative strategies for managing their emotions

Why 5 Year Olds Hit

Your child gets frustrated and hits you. Your child is upset and swings at you. Your child is excited and bops you on the arm. Whatever the specific situation, hitting from your child is distressing and embarrassing, and you need it to stop. The first step to stopping it is understanding why it’s happening.

Hitting is a way children express feelings they don’t yet have words for or can’t manage any other way. Your 5 year old is experiencing emotion—anger, frustration, fear, overwhelming excitement—and hitting is their attempt to express or release that emotion. This doesn’t make hitting acceptable, but it helps you understand it’s not defiance or meanness. It’s underdeveloped emotion regulation.

At 5 years old, your child’s brain is still developing the ability to pause, think about how to respond, and choose a response other than the immediate physical reaction. They’re capable of learning better strategies, but they need your teaching and consistency to get there.

Understanding Your Child’s Hitting Behaviour

Hitting as Emotional Expression

When your child hits, they’re expressing a feeling they can’t yet express any other way. Anger, frustration, fear, disappointment, even excitement sometimes comes out as hitting. The emotion is real and valid. The hitting is the problem, not the feeling itself.

Your job is to teach your child that the feeling is okay, but the hitting isn’t. “I see you’re angry. It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to hit. You can stomp your feet, yell, or squeeze this pillow instead.”

Hitting as a Power Play

Sometimes hitting is about power. Your child hits and you react big—yelling, getting upset, giving lots of attention. From your child’s perspective, hitting got a reaction. If this is reinforced, hitting becomes a strategy for getting attention or power.

This is why your calm response matters. A big emotional reaction teaches your child that hitting is an effective way to provoke you. A calm, consistent response teaches that hitting doesn’t work.

Hitting as Imitation

Sometimes children hit because they’ve seen hitting at home, at school, or in media. They’re copying what they’ve observed. This requires addressing what they’re exposed to and also teaching them that hitting isn’t acceptable in your family, even if they’ve seen it elsewhere.

Common Triggers for Hitting

Frustration and Disappointment

When your child can’t get what they want, can’t do something they’re trying to do, or is told no, frustration can lead to hitting. Learning to manage frustration is a huge part of childhood development. Your child hasn’t fully learned this yet.

Overstimulation and Tiredness

A tired or overstimulated child has even less ability to manage emotions. If hitting happens most often before meals, at bedtime, or after stimulating activities, address the underlying tiredness or overwhelm. Ensuring adequate sleep and managing stimulation helps prevent hitting.

Transitions and Loss of Control

Transitions (“time to leave the park”) and situations where your child doesn’t have control often trigger hitting. Help your child by giving warning before transitions, offering choices within limits, and validating feelings about the transition.

How to Respond in the Moment

Staying Calm

This is the hardest but most important part. When your child hits you, your natural reaction is anger. Resist it. A calm response is far more effective than an angry one. Your child needs to learn that hitting doesn’t provoke you to overreaction.

Breathe. Count to yourself. Remind yourself that your child is learning, not being defiant. Then respond calmly and clearly.

Setting a Clear Limit

Immediately after the hitting, state the limit calmly: “I can’t let you hit. Hitting hurts. You need to use words instead.” Keep it simple. Don’t lecture or explain why hitting is wrong. Your child already knows. A lengthy explanation after hitting is ineffective.

Implementing a Consequence

A consequence should be immediate, brief, and directly related to the hitting if possible. Time out (one minute per year of age, so 5 minutes for a 5 year old) is often effective. The goal isn’t punishment; it’s giving your child space to calm down and teaching that hitting has a consequence.

Some families use removing a privilege. The key is the consequence is small, immediate, and consistent.

Teaching Alternative Strategies

After the immediate situation has calmed down, teach what to do next time. “When you’re angry, you can stomp your feet, squeeze a pillow, take deep breaths, or tell me ‘I’m angry’ with words. Let’s practise.” Then role-play the situation so your child can rehearse the better response.

Building Better Emotion Management Skills

Teaching Emotional Vocabulary

Children can’t manage emotions they don’t have words for. Expand your child’s emotional vocabulary. Name emotions you see: “You look frustrated.” “You seem excited.” “That made you angry.” Reading books about feelings helps too.

Practising Calming Strategies

Teach your child specific strategies for calming down: deep breathing, counting to 10, squeezing a stress ball, drawing angry feelings, running around. Practise these when your child is calm so they’re available when emotion rises.

Validating Feelings While Setting Limits on Behaviour

This is the crucial balance: your child’s feelings are valid and acceptable. Their behaviour of hitting isn’t. “I understand you’re angry. Hitting isn’t okay. Let’s figure out what to do with your angry feelings.” This validates while setting the limit.

When Hitting Is Paired with Other Behaviours

4 Year Old Hitting Sibling

Hitting a sibling is often about frustration, power dynamics, or learned imitation. The response is the same: calm limit-setting, consequence, and teaching alternatives. You might also need to manage the situation so conflicts are reduced (supervising play, separating when tensions rise) and teaching conflict resolution skills.

4 Year Old Biting and Hitting

Some children hit and bite. This typically indicates high frustration and very limited emotional regulation tools. The response is the same (calm limit, consequence, teaching alternatives) but you might need more intensive support from a therapist or parenting coach, especially if hitting and biting are frequent or causing injury.

Why Does My Toddler Hit Her Head When Mad?

Head hitting or banging is also an emotion expression, usually intense frustration. The response is similar: keep your child safe, stay calm, and teach alternatives. Some children’s temperaments involve more intense reactions. These children especially benefit from learning calming strategies.

What Not to Do

Avoid Hitting as a Consequence

Hitting your child for hitting teaches that hitting is acceptable when you’re the adult in charge. It models the very behaviour you want to stop. Physical punishment is ineffective and teaches the wrong lesson.

Avoid Big Emotional Reactions

Yelling, getting very upset, or overreacting teaches your child that hitting is an effective way to provoke you. A calm response is far more effective.

Avoid Long Lectures

After hitting, explaining at length why hitting is wrong doesn’t work. A brief, clear limit and consequence are more effective than a long talk.

Consistency and Persistence

Staying Consistent

The key to stopping hitting is consistency. Every time, you respond the same way: calm, clear limit, brief consequence, teach alternative. After weeks of consistency, hitting usually decreases significantly. Inconsistency (sometimes ignoring, sometimes punishing severely) confuses your child and slows improvement.

Time for Change

Behaviour change takes time. Don’t expect hitting to stop overnight. Most children show noticeable improvement in 2-4 weeks of consistent response, with continued improvement over months as they develop better skills.

5 Year Old Hitting Parents FAQs

Why does my child hit me but not other people?

Children often behave differently with different people. They might hit you because they feel safest with you, so they express intense emotions with you. Or they might get a bigger reaction from you than other adults, which (paradoxically) reinforces the hitting. A calm, consistent response helps.

Is hitting a sign of aggression or a behaviour problem?

Hitting at age 5 is usually about emotion regulation, not aggression. Most children who hit are developing normally and will outgrow it as they learn better skills. Hitting becomes concerning if it’s extremely frequent, causes injury, or is paired with lack of empathy or other behavioural problems. If you’re concerned, professional evaluation can clarify.

What if my child’s hitting is getting worse?

If hitting is increasing or becoming more aggressive, consider whether your response is consistent (every time, the same way) or whether something has changed in your child’s life (new stress, changes at school, sleep deprivation, etc.). If nothing has changed and hitting is worsening, professional support from a therapist or parenting coach might help you identify what’s driving it and develop a better response plan.

How do I prevent hitting before it starts?

Manage triggers: ensure adequate sleep, manage stimulation, give warnings before transitions, offer choices, validate feelings. Teach calming strategies when your child is calm. Create an environment where your child feels heard and safe. These reduce the frequency of hitting.

Sources

American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). “Aggressive Behavior in Children.” Information on normal aggression in childhood development and effective responses to hitting and other aggressive behaviours.

Zero to Three. “Biting and Hitting.” Developmental information on why young children bite and hit and evidence-based strategies for parents.

The Gottman Institute. “Emotion Coaching for Children.” Research-based approach to teaching children emotion regulation and responding to their big feelings.

Positive Discipline. “Parenting Strategies for Hitting and Aggression.” Practical, evidence-based approaches to reducing hitting and teaching alternatives.